How to Kill an Innocent Baby Fanfic
by thepausebutton
Summary: Or, How Not to Write a Fanfic.  Various unconnected scenes that happen a lot, and are often poorly written.
1. The Wand

_A/N:_ _This is intended to be funny. I assure you that I didn't take any of this from specific stories, I've just seen a lot of things similar to this before. If you find yourself thinking, "Hey, that's my story, you stole from me!" I promise you I didn't do it on purpose (in fact, I don't realize I did), and suggest you do some serious reworking of your story. Enjoy!_

Chapter One: The Wand

Harry walked into the custom wand shop in Knockturn Alley – he didn't want those pesky Ministry tracking spells after all. It was dark and gloomy, like all the shops in Knockturn Alley, and there were piles of materials laying everywhere.

"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.

"I want a powerful new wand without tracking spells," said Harry.

"I see. I assume you have money, powerful wands are cheap." Harry rolled his eyes at being asked such a stupid question. He showed the man his bulging moneybag. "Very well. Hold these woods and tell me which feels right."

Harry held all the wood samples, but none felt right. Finally, he found a dusty sample that looked as though no one had picked it up in years. He touched it and felt power surge up his arm. "This one." He handed the sample to the man behind the counter.

The man looked surprised. "This is wood from the Yggdrasil tree. It is a magical tree from Atlantis. It is very powerful by itself. I have never made a wand from it." Harry shrugged. "Now, take this fake wand. It will adjust itself to the proper length for you." Harry waved the wand around a bit and is shortened. The man now looked amazed. "9.7 inches. That is the most powerful wand length there is. You see, three is a very magically powerful number, and three times three is nine. Seven is also an extremely powerful magical number. Finally, when you add nine and seven, then subtract three, you get thirteen, the darkest of the magically important numbers."

"Wow…" murmured Harry.

"Before you find the core or cores and any runes that will be carved into your wand, would you like any extras?"

"Extras?" asked Harry.

"I can enchant the wood to do many things. Almost anything really," explained the man.

"Hmm… can you make it so it will stick to my hand and not be able to be knocked out?"

"Of course, that's part of our standard enchanting package."

"What else is in this package?" asked Harry.

"Your Wand will change color with your mood and if anyone other than you touches the wand, they will feel pain greater than that of the Crucio curse. You can instruct it not to harm people who you trust to hold your wand," he explained at Harry's slightly shocked look.

"Oh, alright then, that sounds fine," said Harry.

"Are there any other enchantments you wanted, or would you like to move onto the core and runes?"

"Core and runes," said Harry.

"Very well, sir," replied the man. He spread out a large number of items, including the three cores used by Olivander, but also: essence of dementor, phoenix tears, veela hair, thestral tail hair, wing feathers from a golden gryphon, blood from a black phoenix, saliva from the oldest known vampire, fur from a hell hound, acromantula venom, and powdered basilisk fang. "Just pass your hand over each and tell me which one or ones feel right."

Harry passed his hand over the phoenix tail feather and felt a surge of power similar to what he felt with the Yggdrasil wood. He continued on to the vampire saliva, which was next to it since the man had said that there was a possibility of more than one core, and felt the power surge again. Curious, he passed his hand over all of them.

"Which one?" asked the man.

"All of them," said Harry.

The man stared at Harry. "Are you sure, sir? _All_ of them?"

"Yes all of them, they all felt right to me."

"Very well, sir," said the man, who looked down right scared at this point. "The final thing is to find out which runes to carve into your wand to aid in power and defense. Are there any runes that you know you want?"

"No," said Harry. "I don't know much about runes."

"That's okay. Hold this piece of parchment. The runes will appear on it." Harry grasped the parchment. Ink appeared out of nowhere and swirled around, changing from one rune to another for several minutes. Finally two showed up and stayed put. "My God," muttered the man.

"What? What happened this time?" asked Harry. "There are only two."

"This rune," said the man as he pointed at the first rune, "means that I must carve all the runes for increased power, and this one-" he pointed at the second rune "-means the same but for defensive runes."

"Oh," was all Harry could manage.

"Your wand will be ready in about four hours, sir," said the man.

"Alright," said Harry. Then he turned around, left the shop and went off to explore Knockturn Alley.

A little over four hours later, Harry returned to the wand shop. "Ah, you're back," said the man who had been there before. "I think you will be very happy with your wand. I am very proud to have made it. It is the most powerful wand ever created by any known wand maker!"

"That's… umm… nice to know," said Harry, wary of getting attention for his powerful new wand. "So, can I take it now?"

"Of course, it will be seventy-three galleons and nine knuts."

Harry dumped out his moneybag – he knew it only had seventy-four galleons in it. "Keep the change," he said. He grabbed his wand, which was lying on the counter and put it in the opposite pocket of his old one. He was a little scared to have the two touch. Then he left the shop to try out his new super powerful wand.

_A/N: Thanks to My PenName Is... for the beta. If anyone has ideas for what I should do, I'm open, as it's only ... and I coming up with ideas._


	2. The Inheritance

_A/N: So here it is, the not long awaited second chapter!_ _Thanks again to ... for the beta and help with the ideas. A note about any mistakes you may find. While ... and I work to spell correctly and have grammatically correct stories, we make mistakes. But I'm okay with that since it adds to the poorly written-ness of the story. Thanks to StudentofDust, and Twilight L. Xari for the reviews. A reminder that I'm open to ideas people have. Now, onto the fun stuff._

Chapter Two: The Inheritance

Harry walked into Gringotts band the day after receiving a letter telling him to report for the inheritance ritual of Sirius's will. He walked up to the counter. "I'm here for my inheritance ritual," he said before the goblin could speak.

"Ah, Mr. Potter, you decided to come. I will call your financial adviser. Greff will show you to a private room..."

"Thanks," said Harry.

The gobbling looked as though he might cry.

"What's wrong?" asked Harry.

"No one says thank you to goblins. All wizards hate us and are jealous of our wealth!" explained the goblin.

"That's terrible!" exclaimed Harry.

"It is, especially considering how powerful we are. The Ministry has been passing laws ever since the first rise of Voldemort that get rid of our rights."

"You mean wizards haven't always hated goblins?"

"No, we used to live in peace and harmony."

"Well we should give you back your rights and go back to peace and harmony!" Harry exclaimed.

"You are truly an uncommon and special wizard Harry Potter."

"Thanks," said Harry. Then he followed Greff to the private room.

After Harry had been sitting in the private room for around fifteen minutes, another goblin walked in. "I am Gibbits, your financial advisor Mr. Potter," he said. He walked over to the side of the room where there was a small cart Harry hadn't noticed before. "Come over here please, Mr. Potter."

"How does this all work?" asked Harry.

"First, you must place three drops of blood on this bloodstone. This is to identify if you really are Harry Potter." Gibbits handed Harry a needle. Harry pricked his index finger and squeezed three drops onto dark red stone. When the blood hit it, the stone swirled as though the center was flowing liquid. After a about a minute, the swirling stopped.

"Very good, you are Harry Potter," said Gibbits.

"That's nice to know," said Harry with a smirk.

"Next," said Gibbits, "place your hand on this piece of parchment. Focus on your magical core and send a small part of it onto the parchment. This is to determine which family lines you are heir to." Harry did as he was told. There was a flash of red-gold light and as Harry took his hand away from the parchment, names began to appear on it in gold ink. "You are a very powerful wizard Mr. Potter. I have not seen a display that large in many, many years."

Harry looked back down at the parchment, embarrassed at all the attention he was receiving at Gringotts. There were now nine names on the parchment, and it showed not signs of stopping.

Half an hour later, the final name appeared on the parchment. Harry just stared at the parchment in shock. "How many names are on that list Gibbits?" he asked.

"Forty-two," replied Gibbits after quickly counting.

"How am I the sole heir for so many families?" Harry could see that the first two names were Black and Potter, and wasn't surprised. It was the other forty he was having a bit of a hard time with.

"You see, squibs and muggle cannot inherit money when wizards die, but the magical descendants of these non-magic relatives _can_ inherit the money," explained Gibbits. "Though I have never seen one person heir to so many families before."

"How… how much money do I have now?" asked Harry.

"Your net worth is now 9.6 trillion galleons."

"Wow," said Harry.

"You are now the richest person in the world," said Gibbits. "In addition to this substantial sum of money, you have also inherited the entire continent of Antarctica – which has a large settlement of wizards located in a magically maintained jungle near the South Pole – as well as half of Australia; 169 houses around the globe; 33 of the most valuable gems in existence; and armor, weapons, battle robes, furniture, art, and other artifacts dating back to the beginnings of magic."

"Can all of these things be moved to one vault?" asked Harry.

"Yes, we will have to combine our three largest vaults, but it will be possible," replied Gibbits. "Is there anything else?"

"Is there a way that I can get gold without coming to the bank every time?"

"Yes. There is a small fee of 100 galleons which will buy you a moneybag connected directly to your vault. Just think of the amount you need, and it will be withdrawn from your vault and will appear in the bag. The bag will also expand or shrink according to the amount of money in it."

"That's fine," said Harry.

Gibbits handed Harry the bag. "We will withdraw the 100 galleons directly from your vault. Is that all?" asked Gibbits. Harry nodded. "Very well. The only other matter is the allowances being paid out of the Black fortune to several people. I need to know if you wish to cancel them."

"Who is the money going to?" asked Harry.

"Narcissa Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Cancel them all!" said Harry angrily.

"Very well, Mr. Potter. Unless there is something else you need, I will take my leave."

"That's fine Gibbits," said Harry. He stood and followed the goblin out of the room.

_A/N: Please note that 9.6 trillion Galleons is worth somewhere just under 96 trillion US dollars (note the lack of a decimal point)._


	3. Ships I

_Disclaimer (because I forgot to put one earlier): All recognized materials are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringment is intended. This story is being written soley for entertainment purposes and no profit is being gained from it._

**_Warning:_**_ This chapter contains non-graphic (though very silly) **slash** between a **teacher and a student.** If this bothers you, please don't read, as I'm sure you won't find it funny. Please come back though, as not all the chapters are this innuendo-filled._

Chapter Three: 'Ships I (Harry/Snape) 

Harry was sitting in potions, but he wasn't thinking about the class. No, he was thinking about the teacher, one Severus Snape. The man was just too damn sexy for his own – or Harry's – good!

Harry wasn't sure which of the older man's many sexy features attracted him the most. Was it his low, sexy voice? Was it his dark, mysteriously sexy eyes? Was it the way his hair fell in a sexy curtain to his shoulders? Or possibly the way his robes billowed sexily around him while he walked in a way that no one else could duplicate?

He decided that it was everything. There wasn't anything about Severus – as Harry called him in his head – that wasn't sexy. Even that hooked nose of his was sexy.

Hermione noticed that Harry wasn't paying attention to the lesson and elbowed him. "Pay attention," she hissed, "you know Professor Snape will grade the essays really hard."

Harry tried to pay attention to what Severus was actually saying, but was soon just listening to the voice, not actually hearing the words. It was just so dark and deep and… SEXY!! He never could pay attention when the Potions Master spoke. That was probably why he performed so poorly when making potions or writing essays. He had no idea what he was supposed to do.

"Potter!" the oh-so-wonderful voice said.

"Yes, Severus?" he said dreamily.

The professor glared at the teenager. "Thirty points from Gryffindor for your insolence, Potter," he snapped. "Now answer my question. What is the proper temperature at which to simmer a Nutrient Replenishing Potion?"

"Whatever temperature turns you on, Severus," Harry said slyly.

Severus's glare became more pronounced. "What has gotten into you, Potter?"

"It's what I'd _like_ to get into me that matters." That was the final straw.

"Class dismissed, Potter, you stay." The class surged out, whispering about what Harry had said, and happy to be let out of potions early. When the last student was gone, Severus shut the door. He turned around to see Harry sitting on one of the desks. "Be serious here Potter, what the hell are you doing?"

"You're just so damn hot, you know that don't you?" Harry said, by way of a response.

"What?" asked Severus, shocked by what the boy had said.

"You act so sexy all the time," said Harry as he slipped off the desk and started walking towards Severus. "Why do you have to do that?" He was right in front of Severus now. Severus merely stared back at him, surprised by everything that was going on. Frustrated by the lack of response, Harry grabbed the front of Severus's robes and pulled him down so he could kiss him.

Severus was shocked by this turn of events, but after a moment, he began to respond. They finally pulled apart several minutes later, panting. "You know I love you, don't you Sevvy-kins?" asked Harry.

"I love you too, Harry," said Snape huskily, then he kissed Harry again. They proceeded to show each other just how much they loved each other.

_A/N: Thanks to A., Twi, and ... for the reviews, and to all of you who have favorited this story. Thanks to ... and Twi for help writing and to Twi for the beta. Au revoir._


	4. Attitudes I

_Disclaimer: All recognized materials are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This has been written entirely for entertainment purposes and no profit has been gained from it._

_**Warning**__: This chapter contains non-graphic **cutting**, **suicide attempt**, and a brief mention of **rape**. If these bother you, don't read._

Chapter 4: The Attitude I (Harry's Depression)

Harry sat alone in his room. He was thinking about how many people had died, and how it was all his fault. He should have been able to save them, even the people dying from terminal cancer!

Pain from the cuts caused by a shard of Sirius' mirror was the only way to dull the emotional pain he was in.

He slowly slid the shard across his arm. He watched as the blood slowly welled up and dripped down his arm. One cut wasn't enough, he had to make more. He ran the shard over his arm again and again. He switched the shard into his other hand and started running it over the other arm. Slowly, he felt his grief over all the deaths slipping away into numbness caused by the pain of the cuts.

He didn't stop cutting until there were ten bleeding cuts on each arm. He sat back and let the numbness take him.

Harry woke up several hours later. He looked down and half-healed cuts on his arms among the many, many scars he had inflicted on himself. The depression at having caused so many deaths welled up in him again.

He reached for the shard and once again slid it across his arm. He repeated what he did earlier, once again, not stopping until he had ten fresh cuts on his arm.

For the next month, Harry didn't leave his room except to use the bathroom. When he woke up, he would sit and think until the depression overwhelmed him. Then he would cut and sit, feeling nothing but the sting of his arms. When his arms had healed and no longer hurt, he would become aware again and the cycle would begin again.

The Dursley's didn't care, they were just happy that Harry wasn't in their way. But one day, that changed. Vernon had a bad day at work and came home late, very drunk. He burst into Harry's room, intent on relieving some of his frustration. So he raped Harry.

Harry never left his room after that, not even to go to the bathroom. He cut until he was tired and then he slept. When he woke up, he started cutting again, thinking of what had happened, as well as all the people he had killed.

It was the beginning of August when Harry decided to kill himself. He woke up and life was just not worth living anymore. He took the mirror shard and viciously sliced down his arm instead of across it. He repeated it on his other arm and lay back on his bed, waiting for life to drain away.

"No!" yelled a voice, but Harry paid no attention to it. Severus pulled off the invisibility cloak he had been using to sneak into the house. He rushed to Harry's side and healed the cuts running down his arms. He propped Harry up and forced a blood replenishing potion down his throat.

Harry could feel someone supporting him. "Wha?" he groaned. "Wha's goin' on?" he slurred hoarsely.

"I'm helping you, Harry," said Severus. He was furious that no one had checked up on the boy and noticed that he was severely depressed. How dare they!

"Don' wan' help," Harry slurred, though more coherently. "Wanna die."

"No, Harry, I won't let you die. I'm going to help you through this," vowed Severus.

_A/N: Please note that I am in no way mocking people who cut, attempt/commit suicide, are severely depressed in general, or who have experienced rape. I am mocking the stories in which these situations appear. If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry._

_A/N2: Thanks to ... for the beta and help with writing. Thanks to ..., Twi, amy-the-rat, sugarbob, Ash Vault Rose Garden, Spork no Jutsu, and SetTheTruthFree for their reviews. As always, ideas are welcome._


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